The Love of a Child

Samantha was nineteen, a bright, young, successful secretary who was busy making plans for her marriage to John.

She was happy with her life; they were able to save up enough money for a deposit on a little house and had been buying things for it for ages. Her mum had been storing her furniture in the cellar and her future mother-in-law also had things packed in drawers for them.

The wedding dress was chosen and all the preparations well under way. Every now and again she would have very strong feelings of sadness, and loneliness within herself but quickly dismissed them thinking that when she was married to John everything would be fine. He would love her and make her feel secure. At that time she didn't understand that everything commenced in life is a cause started and that one should think about the effect, whether we will be happy with the consequences as it is much more difficult to do something about it later. All she knew was there was a certain lack in her life and she believed John would fill that gap.

No-one had spoken lovingly to Samantha to explain that we have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with someone else and that no-one else can do for us what we have to do for ourselves. To choose a partner for life would influence greatly her own life and instead of choosing someone who is handsome, rich and successful, she should look deeper to see if the feelings of the other were similar to her own. For instance, if he felt the same way about children, did he love them, or think they were a nuisance. Did he feel it more important to go out drinking with the boys, or enjoy a quiet evening doing something the couple would both enjoy doing together. Did he enjoy and appreciate the countryside the way she did. If not there would be great opposition and arguments. Thinking that one can change another after they are married is not the answer either because they may be just as convinced that there feelings are the right ones.

It happened that when it came to making the wedding list that Samantha wanted a small quiet wedding, John wanted a big splashy affair. He wanted a honeymoon in Disney World, she wanted a quiet cottage in the country.

They came to some kind of agreement, even though each was thinking inwardly that they could change their partner to their way of thinking after the wedding. They were advised by friends that it was good to have different opinions; they would not get bored with each other that way. Because she believed she loved him so much she agreed to the Disney World Honeymoon and when the time came she was actually enjoying it. But, when it came to sleep, she was tired yet couldn't sleep. She found herself living, in sleep, the horror of the days, the rides which she would have preferred not to go on, but because he insisted she thought it would make him happy so she agreed. Like the things he asked her to do in bed, she was not happy with, but did them to please him, believing it was what was expected of her as a wife.

She had not thought to take precautions because she believed it natural once one was married to have children. Samantha did not believe John would think differently to her but had not thought to discuss it properly with him to see if he felt the same way as she did. When they had briefly spoken of children he quickly changed the subject saying there was plenty of time to think about that. She did not know he was hoping to change her mind on that subject because there was too much that he wanted to do in life and a baby would stop him doing it.

Well of course it was not long before she began feeling sick and went to the doctors for a check-up. The doctor confirmed her secret feelings that a baby was on its way. She couldn't wait till John came home from work to tell him the good news; she thought he would feel the same way as her, full of happiness. She telephoned him at work to give him the good news. He was speechless, he called her all the awful names he could think of and said she should have told him that she was not taking the pill or some other precaution to avoid the results of pregnancy. She said she had tried to speak about it but he didn't want to so it was not sorted out. He slammed the phone down, there was a dreadful silence; she was heartbroken and cried her heart out for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening.

At last John arrived home. He had been drinking. She had seen him before when he had drunk too much alcohol, but not like this. He was nasty with her and told her she must get rid of the baby. She could not understand his reaction, they were married weren't they? They loved each other didn't they? It was natural wasn't it?

They had their first big argument because she refused to get rid of the baby and he said she would be sorry and she didn't love him if she didn't get rid of it. Well Samantha valued life and believed it to be a precious gift that one should appreciate and love. But also she still had this feeling inside her of sadness and loneliness, which had not gone like she thought when she married John. In fact it was quite the opposite, it had got worse.

The seemingly inevitable happened because she wouldn't do what he wanted, he went looking for another woman who would do as she was told and soon found one and left his wife. She was left alone to look after the baby.

She began to resent the baby because she had lost the man she loved. She put the baby in a Day Care and started work again. She had no idea of the effect on that young baby when it grew up. A mother who thought her baby in the way. A mother who resented ever having a baby. A mother very unhappy with her own life. A mother who had not learnt how to be happy herself. That little baby grew up to be a young woman. A young woman, full of bad feelings of resentment, anger, frustration, hate. She had inherited all the bad feelings her parents stored within themselves, but what was even worse, the opinions she had formed herself were also all bad because of the example she had seen as a young child.

She hated her parents and ran away from home. Of course she got into drugs, alcohol and all kinds of things that were not good for her. Her mother was going out of her mind with worry and one day, became so desperate, she wanted to take her own life.

She walked to the park after supper one night and thought she could just drop quietly away, into the water, into nothingness, and no one would see her and her problems would be over. She was unaware of an elderly lady sitting on a bench close by.

It was as if she could read Samantha's mind.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," said the elderly lady in a soft, gentle voice.

"Mind your own business, leave me alone," Samantha retorted.

"Do you think you will find heaven waiting for you?"

"I don't care any more, everyone hates me, I'm fed up with it all, it hurts too much," she sobbed, tears streaming down her face.

"You won't find relief that way, if that's what you’re hoping for. Life goes on and you will find yourself in a world exactly like the one you thought you were leaving behind."

"I don't believe that, I know there is a heaven somewhere!"

"Yes there is," replied the old lady, with eyes sparkling, but we have to be loving and kind and earn the right of entry to that special place. If everyone automatically went there, there would be murderers, thieves, liars, cheats and all kinds of people. You would not want to find that kind of person would you. That is why we have to learn while we are on the earth. Like attracts like and in the planes of life above the earth all go where their natural nature takes them. It is not the brain that decides. If nobody loves you it is because you have not learnt to love yourself, so how can anyone else love you!"

Samantha's mind started to work within her. It was true she didn't love herself because she had never really seen real love.

"Come back to my house and have a cup of tea and we’ll talk some more. There is a much better solution than that, believe me."

Samantha did not know it at the time but she felt a new feeling inside herself. It was a little ray of hope, maybe there was a better way. She used to believe that life was a precious gift. The cup of tea became a regular Saturday morning meeting. The elderly lady started by explaining to Samantha the reason why she was born.

"Did you know that you have been in this earth many times, not with this body, but with your soul; before you were born you agreed to come to learn. Earth is a school and it is the only place where there are people from all levels of understanding. There are many lessons to learn in life and it takes more than one life time to learn them. Once we have learnt all that is necessary we can go to a plane of life that you call Heaven.

It is a plane of life where all have learnt to be patient, tolerant, sincere, truthful, merciful, and most of all, loving. There is no darkness in this plane of life because all are giving of light. There is no fear, no inequality, no sadness, no violence, no depression and no insecurity.

The first thing we must be is sincere in our desire to seek the truth and never believe all that another says but ask to learn for oneself.

"But I've asked many times and it doesn't work."

"That's because you think with your brain and don't realize a situation has been put in front of you to see if you can handle it with love instead of resentment. Through all experiences of life we learn to use good or bad.

The weeks passed and the visits continued. Samantha learnt a lot from the Great Lady, as she affectionately called her. She learnt that making a mistake was no big shame; in fact it was a blessing because opportunity was given to do it with love. She gave time to learning about herself and gradually realised she did have love within herself, but chose not to use it, most of the time.

One day she explained to the old lady about her daughter and how she regretted not being able to teach her, what she was learning about life. The old lady told her, "Be the example of all you have learnt and your daughter will seek you out." More than anything in life now she wanted to make amends with her daughter. She had put all the blame on her for being bad. Now she knew the feelings she had inside her while pregnant stayed with the girl and that's why she held resentment and not love for her mother.

Many months later Samantha realised for the first time in her life she was glad to be alive. She was no longer ashamed of herself. She had learnt the importance and value of speaking truthfully, of being patient, kind and compassionate not only in words but in feelings.

One night she was just arriving home from work when she saw a young woman standing outside her front door. Her heart began to beat with anticipation. It was her daughter. She threw her arms around and said; "Forgive me, please forgive me."

The girl could not believe the change that had come over her mother. She was not criticising the clothes she wore, or the make up that covered her face or the fact that she had been away for so long. She knew now she could talk to her mother and she would listen. They talked openly about each others feelings and cleared them away.

Now they could start a new life, full of acceptance of each other as a person of value. The past need not be repeated.